The News/Transcript

Elmore News



 * Thumb Wrestling Federatio—!


 * and : Seen it.


 * Señor Tony—


 * and : Seen it.


 * You asked for it—


 * and : Seen it.




 * and : Hate it.


 * All good things—


 * and : Seen it.




 * and : Seen it.


 * And now with all the latest developments live, it's Elmore News!


 * and : Eh.




 * Good evening. I'm Kip Schlezinger, and this is Elmore News. Dramatic events today in downtown Elmore as police sent their finest officers to tackle a robbery which took place in broad daylight. Further proof that our town is no longer safe for anyone, anytime, any day, anywhere, in any way.  Anywho, our reporters are on the scene to keep up to date with the latest developments. Mike.

Joyful Burger Robbery

 * Yes, Kip. Elmore police received an anonymous call at around one p.m. reporting a robbery here at Joyful Burger. The police responded with a low-key operation, handling the situation with sensitivity and minimal force.




 * The suspects have not yet been identified, but, uh...




 * One moment, Kip. There seems to be a development.




 * Mike, can you give us any more information on what's happening there?


 * Uh, it's not entirely clear, but they appear to be conducting interviews.


 * Can we get two milkshakes, two Cronuts, two family buckets...


 * Uh, uh, over to you, Kip.


 * ...two triple burgers with bacon...

House Fire!



 * Kip Shledebergerzinger here. In other developments, a house fire has broken out in an Elmore suburb. We go live now to the scene of the blaze.




 * The fire started this morning. Firefighters have been at the scene for over an hour and are still struggling to control the blaze.


 * Send in the marshmallows!


 * Oh no!


 * It's okay, keep going. Ohh, no!


 * Don't give up— Aah!


 * These children escaped the blaze. Tell us, how did the fire start?


 * I saw a spider.


 * Fair enough. Kip, back to you.

More About the Joyful Burger Robbery



 * Kip Sherlezingabinger here, and we have some new developments on the Joyful Burger robbery. Over to our eye in the sky.




 * It appears the police are still in pursuit of the suspects.




 * With Elmore's finest hot on their heels, we expect they'll soon be brought to justice.




 * As you can see below, the police are continuing their hunt, despite some members of the public obstructing their path.




 * Thanks, Mike. And, uh, what is happening down on the ground?




 * Well, Kip, the chase continues on foot.




 * And knees.




 * And hands.

Interview with Al Paca



 * Kip Shwaaaalalalalaburger here. More on that police chase later. But now to our overseas correspondent Al Paca, reporting from the G-8 summit. Al, what important issues were raised today at the summit?




 * Uh-huh? And what did the president have to say on the issue?




 * Hmm. And what are the global implications of that?




 * Thanks, Al.




 * And now we go live to Hale County, Texas, where a farmer has won a prize for Best Livestock at the county fair.




 * I, uh, think you boys might have got a couple things mixed up here.

Even More About the Joyful Burger Robbery



 * I'm sorry. We're gonna have to leave that story there. We have some shocking new developments in the Joyful Burger robbery. Mike.




 * Yes, Kip. The police have called off the search after realizing the individual who reported the theft was an unusually rotund pink rabbit who dropped a french fry, which was carried away by some ants. Here's an artist's impression of the incident.




 * Kip, back to you.

The Big Question

 * Thanks, Mike. Now it is time for... the Big Question!




 * And today we're joined by the dean of Elmore University's science faculty. Professor, thanks for joining us. Now, after vaccinations, electric cars, and the dark magic behind Wi-Fi, I guess the big question is: should we be scared of science?


 * No.


 * More questions than answers there. The debate rages on. Be sure to tune in this time tomorrow for our next big question— Oxygen: Friend or Foe? In other news, the town of Elmore is about to be hit by a waste disposal strike.

Waste Disposal Strike



 * I just— I think we've all had enough, you know? But we can't complain about it because our voices are completely drowned out.


 * The job can be suffocating, yeah. I've—I've seen a lot. I've seen a whole lot.


 * I've been working on the executive floor for twenty years, and all I got for Secret Santa was food poisoning.


 * Yeah, the way we've been treated leaves a bad taste in my mouth.


 * I've been promised a dental plan for over a decade.


 * The toilet seats of Elmore are expected to hold a protest march here in front of the Town Hall within the next few minutes. I've just been informed that it will now be a sit-in. Kip, back to you.

Daisy the Donkey Meltdown

 * Thanks, Mike. Celebrity news now, and the beloved children's entertainer Daisy the Donkey has suffered what can only be described as an on-set meltdown.




 * ​​​: Good morning, little children!


 * Good morning, Daisy!


 * ​​​: Welcome to "Daisy the Donkey Show"!




 * ​​​: Today I've got a special surpr—


 * Hi, kids-s-s-s!


 * ​​​: I can't believe this. Did you read the script? You're supposed to come in after my line!


 * Sorry, man. I was just improvising. You know, winging it. So kids, is everybody s—


 * ​​​: Okay, okay, okay, okay! First off, you don't call me "man." You call me Miss Daisy. And secondly, you stick to the darn script!


 * Dude, we're live.


 * ​​​: I don't care if we're live! You're an amateur surfing on my wave! And right now, you're ruining my show!


 * Hey. Did you just push me?


 * ​​​: Yeah, yeah, yeah.


 * 'Cause I'll push you right back!




 * Ow! My eyes-s-s-s!


 * Okay, go to commercial. Go to commercial! Okay, go to card! Now, please, now!




 * Miss Donkey, whose real name is Antoine Perez, has been sentenced to two weeks community service. And now we have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that stock markets have fallen, but the good news is that these graphs will tell you all about it in a form of a song.

"Just Give Up and Cry"

 * When things are bad, bad, bad


 * About to get sad


 * Don't be glad, glad, glad


 * We should be mad


 * We're going down, down, down


 * We're all gonna drown


 * We'll all be poor, poor, poor


 * But wait, here's some more


 * We're all in debt, debt, debt


 * And you can bet


 * It will get worse, worse, worse


 * Yes, we're all cursed


 * We are all broke, broke, broke


 * And it's such a joke


 * 'Cause there's no hope, hope, hope


 * And no one can cope


 * We are all doomed, doomed, doomed


 * Nothing's improved


 * Don't even try


 * Just give up and cryyyyyyyyy



Nothing



 * Coming up next, we have nothing. We didn't have enough news to cover the whole show tonight, so I'm going to say absolutely nothing in the cadence of a news story, and I hope I'll get away with it. As I said a moment ago, this is all filler. Let's go live now to our reporter at the scene and hope that he comes up with something better. Mike.




 * Unfortunately, Kip, as you said a moment ago, absolutely nothing is happening here. It seems that, for now, there is no news at all. Therefore, I'll kill time by asking the general public what they think about it. Sir, what do you think about it?


 * What do I think of what? You— You haven't asked me anything.


 * And you, sir, any thoughts?




 * I was really hoping that would take longer, but since it didn't, we will keep on wasting your precious time on Earth by re-explaining nothing over some random footage of the general public walking.




 * No one really listens to this part of the news anyway, so we should be okay. News, news, news, news. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Filler, filler, filler. Which leads us to the most important question: what was the point of all that?




 * What was the point, indeed. And now over to Barry for the sports news. Barry.

Sports

 * Spo-o-o-o-rts! Sports, sports, sports, sports! Spo-o-o-o-rts! Sports, sports, sports, sports. Sports, sports, sports, sports. Spa-ba-ba-ba-ba, spo-o-o-rts!  Whoo! Sport! Sport!  Sport. Sport. Sports. Sports.


 * Um, thank you, Barry.


 * Spo-o-o-o-r—



Weather

 * And now for the weather.




 * Thank you, Kip. As you can see, the weather today was wonderful.  The sun was shining, perfect conditions to take a walk,  and catch some rays.  I'm sorry, Kip, is something funny?


 * Uh, no, uh, please continue.




 * Moving on to tonight and we'll see— Agh, are you making fun of me?




 * Of course not. I wouldn't want to make you feel like the butt of the joke. Well, I, uh, guess it'll be overcast tomorrow. My name is Kip Sherlabulabudalagaberwagalaladingdong, and that was the eight o'clock news. Good night.




 * Ah, what are you doing? Just- leave it already! Ah, just— What is wrong with you?!